This morning I’ve woken up really positive, and decided today would be a good day to reflect on what happened with WT, was I really after a relationship, or is it just company, which I can get off my friends when I can be bothered. Every time an emotionally available bloke gets close I feel uncomfortable and feel smothered and end it and seem to be drawn to emotionally unavailable men, who can’t give me what I think I need. Thus being keeping me safe from commitment. Why do I do that? Is it because I don’t have to give myself to them fully if they don’t or is it something deeper? something from my childhood. I have always been very independent, which stems from having to look out for myself since I was young as neither of my parents cared much. Is it that I protect myself by deliberately going for unavailable men? so they can’t hurt me, even though I am getting more hurt, or is it that I am reliving my past over and over again, trying to get the love off someone who is emotionally unavailable like my parents were as deep down I feel that is the only way I will be properly loved.

So if either of those are true, which I suspect they are, how do I go about changing that? I guess my first step would be to get to know the person I’m considering properly and just as friends, no getting smashed and sleeping with them until I’m sure, really listen to what they say, how they describe their ex and end of relationship, are they bitter? (not over the ex) or have commitment issues? that will be a big red flag.

I also read somewhere that I should ignore my gut, which sounds alien to me, but that is whats guiding me into these unhappy situations. My gut seems to smell out these guys, who are actually just hurting and grasping onto the first friendly face they see, aka me. maybe I should be cautious of that too, someone who is quite forward, maybe *gulp* I should be more proactive in dating!

Another problem I have is that I only seem to be attracted to blokes above 6″2. I’m not sure if this is because they make me feel safe, or smaller than I am, I am 5″6. unfortunately this does mean I rule out other men that may be perfect, and quite a chunk of the male population. So while I am getting to know someone as a friend, I will not be heightist, I will consider all men, as long as they are taller than me.

Another repeating factor when I am trying to learn why I keep doing this is self esteem. This is definitely something I struggle with, I know I look good when I make an effort, but I still have huge doubts, am I too chunky? is my nose wonky etc, I like myself very much as a person, but looks wise I struggle, this in itself is off putting. I need to make more of an effort with my daily appearance as this makes me feel good, while sticking with my gym and healthy eating for long term feel good.

Okay so to summarize my reflections, get to know someone as a friend first, regardless of height and listen carefully for warning signs, take them as red flags, not a challenge. make an effort daily, learn to love what I see. Al won’t come easily, but it’s worth a try to stop sabotaging my happiness.