This morning I’ve woken up really positive, and decided today would be a good day to reflect on what happened with WT, was I really after a relationship, or is it just company, which I can get off my friends when I can be bothered. Every time an emotionally available bloke gets close I feel uncomfortable and feel smothered and end it and seem to be drawn to emotionally unavailable men, who can’t give me what I think I need. Thus being keeping me safe from commitment. Why do I do that? Is it because I don’t have to give myself to them fully if they don’t or is it something deeper? something from my childhood. I have always been very independent, which stems from having to look out for myself since I was young as neither of my parents cared much. Is it that I protect myself by deliberately going for unavailable men? so they can’t hurt me, even though I am getting more hurt, or is it that I am reliving my past over and over again, trying to get the love off someone who is emotionally unavailable like my parents were as deep down I feel that is the only way I will be properly loved.

So if either of those are true, which I suspect they are, how do I go about changing that? I guess my first step would be to get to know the person I’m considering properly and just as friends, no getting smashed and sleeping with them until I’m sure, really listen to what they say, how they describe their ex and end of relationship, are they bitter? (not over the ex) or have commitment issues? that will be a big red flag.

I also read somewhere that I should ignore my gut, which sounds alien to me, but that is whats guiding me into these unhappy situations. My gut seems to smell out these guys, who are actually just hurting and grasping onto the first friendly face they see, aka me. maybe I should be cautious of that too, someone who is quite forward, maybe *gulp* I should be more proactive in dating!

Another problem I have is that I only seem to be attracted to blokes above 6″2. I’m not sure if this is because they make me feel safe, or smaller than I am, I am 5″6. unfortunately this does mean I rule out other men that may be perfect, and quite a chunk of the male population. So while I am getting to know someone as a friend, I will not be heightist, I will consider all men, as long as they are taller than me.

Another repeating factor when I am trying to learn why I keep doing this is self esteem. This is definitely something I struggle with, I know I look good when I make an effort, but I still have huge doubts, am I too chunky? is my nose wonky etc, I like myself very much as a person, but looks wise I struggle, this in itself is off putting. I need to make more of an effort with my daily appearance as this makes me feel good, while sticking with my gym and healthy eating for long term feel good.

Okay so to summarize my reflections, get to know someone as a friend first, regardless of height and listen carefully for warning signs, take them as red flags, not a challenge. make an effort daily, learn to love what I see. Al won’t come easily, but it’s worth a try to stop sabotaging my happiness.

Guy number 1, WT

Guy number 1, WT


WT is a 6’3 bearded man, covered in tattoos, we met via Instagram, how original. a few months later he added me on Facebook. We began chatting after a while and decided to meet up for a drink. WT lives only 3 roads away from my house, so it was quite surprising we had never met before.


I had been out for dinner out of town with my friend T, She suggested we go out for a drink after, we dropped my car at my house as I had kindly offered to drive, I’m good like that. We dropped my car off and had a quick drink and walked down to the pub, on the way I was feeling brave so messaged WT asking him if he was still out, he replied that he was on his way home but could come meet me if I wanted. I agreed and quickly necked two vodkas, I’m always nervous before meeting someone.

He arrived and I actually got a fanny flutter/minge twinge (apologies, I can’t think of a more lady like description) anyway, he looked pretty fit. He gave me a lovely hug and thankfully his beard wasn’t as gross as it looked in the pictures. He bought me a drink and we went to sit down with T and two other friends, the conversation flowed despite me having to concentrate incredibly hard on what he was saying as he mumbled a lot.

The two hours flew by, but at that point I needed to go home as I had an early start at work, he said he wanted to go too, so we walked home together. We laughed and chatted all the way, he invited me in, but as a lady (more because I was unprepared and had work) I declined and went home to bed, after texting for the next hour. I was excited, was this guy my next Love?


I met WT in a different pub at 7pm the following Friday, I made a big effort, blow dry, epilated, nice dress, heels etc. Again the conversation flowed and before I knew it we were 5 drinks in. WT then explained he was pretty short on cash and wouldn’t be able to stay out long, we decided to have one in a different pub where some of my friends were and then head toward his. by the way this guy isn’t a stranger and I’m MAPA trained so wasn’t worried. We picked up a bottle of Rum and then planned on getting a cab to his via mine as I wanted my comfy shoes, however once we got to mine we got chatting and decided to stop there. I lit my fire and we started drinking and sampling a bit of Mandy. again everything was going so well, we even had a little kiss and confessed our biggest secrets (yeah cheers Mandy) at about 7am we decided to get some sleep, and both got into my bed, I knew nothing would happen as we were knackered and I wasn’t ready, but by god its nice to be spooned to sleep! We woke at 10am, I made us cheesy beans on toast and we spent the rest of the day watching films until he left at 4pm. Ace first date.


where it all went wrong. WT had told me he had to go to a leaving do straight from work, so I decided to have a few drinks with my mate T and then meet him out after an hour, he came along to the pub and again we hit it off really well. We left and walked to his as we were at mine last time. When we got there he put HEAVY METAL on, now I’m pretty open minded about music, I love most types but heavy fucking metal? no thanks, I eventually persuaded him to put something a bit more chilled on so we could talk, rather than him just shouting over me to horrible angry music, things got a bit better after that. But I still didn’t feel like I had done the previous two times, perhaps because in the week I had been warned about his anger issues, I’m unsure, either way I couldn’t really relax after the heavy metal. It got pretty late so we decided to go to bed, his bed was ahhh-may-zing! I kept my undies on, and we had a kiss, which in hindsight was a bad idea, one thing led to another and we were having sex, and this is where it gets really weird. He was pumping and saying “ooh, be careful” as if his cock was injured, I asked him if he was okay and he said yes, but it was very weird gentle pumping, barely penetration. He then told me that he loved me!! I put this down to a drunken mistake but even so….He then turned and said to me ” I don’t think you have ever let me cum in your mouth” at which point I burst out laughing. I think he got me confused with someone else!! by this point I was so turned off that all I could think about was leaving, however there was a storm raging outside and going to sleep just seemed like an easier Idea. When I woke I tried to make light of it, but he was so rough he barely responded. I gathered my things and left pronto! he messaged a few times during the day, but only to say how rough he was. I’m unsure what to do now, it seems unfair to dismiss him after one drunken night, I regret sleeping with him so soon, especially as it was awful. But best finding out sooner rather than later.


The absolute cock womble messaged to say he thought we should cool it as he hasn’t got over his ex. Lucky escape this time!! However I did get a note through my door 3 days later returning my earrings and apologizing, so that’s something!